In January 2018, Martha Thomas and her family experienced the unthinkable—their daughter, Ella Elizabeth—took her own life. Since then, Thomas; her husband; and their son, football player Solomon Thomas, have learned not only to deal with their loss but also to help others develop strategies to prevent facing the same tragedy by establishing The Defensive Line organization.
And on April 26, Thomas will share her family’s experience, tips on how to talk about suicide and mental health with youth, and resources with district parents at the Dallas ISD Empowering Families forum, which marks the end of Stress Awareness Month in April and the beginning of Mental Health Awareness Month in May.
The forum will be held at Emmett J. Conrad High School and is organized by Dallas ISD’s Mental Health Services and Parent Advocacy and Support Services to provide parents a safe space to discuss mental health topics and learn how to help their children deal with stress and other challenges. Experts from community organizations like The Defensive Line will be at the forum.
“We are very frank and honest about what happened to us,” Thomas said. “Aside from being a multiracial family, we were a pretty standard family who ate together, prayed together, supported each other. I knew Ella was struggling. We loved our kids and thought that was enough.”
The Defensive Line organization empowers adults to connect with young people over their shared humanity and the shared hope that things do get better; that life is worth living. The organization teaches adults about the urgency of the national suicide crisis, about warning signs and risk factors, as well as how to apply that knowledge to their everyday lives with young people. It also bridges the gap between existing mental health resources to the young person in a mental health crisis by teaching all the adults about how they can talk about hard things and connect to resources.
After the forum, Thomas and The Defensive Line will collaborate with Dallas ISD Mental Health Services to train team members and parents in schools on how to recognize signs of stress and how to address them.
“We have a workshop we do for schools,” she said. “A lot of times we work with the coaches and talk to staff; we lead with our story because people connect. Then we talk about the warning signs, crisis intervention, and walk through an action plan. People seem to get it. We also do a talk for parents, and we are doing that as well with the district.”
When they attend forums like the one on April 26 or resource fairs, Thomas talks about having conversations about mental health, using feelings, using tools, she said.
“Just like you would talk to your kid if he came home with a sprained ankle, asking how the ankle was, how you would help them feel better, take them to the doctor, that is how you start having a mental health conversation,” she said. “Have a frank and honest conversation without judgment, asking questions without trying to solve the problem. Just asking how that makes them feel.”
Thomas likes to use a feelings wheel as a tool for parents to start a conversation with their children because it has simpler feelings and more complex ones that helps children vocalize what they are feeling. They can use the feelings on the wheel to become more specific in describing their inner feelings, and “if you can name it, you can tame it,” Thomas said.
“If you can name your feelings, you can address them,” she said.
Addressing feelings and potential mental health challenges is especially difficult and also necessary in African American and Hispanic families, where society plays a role in pressuring young men and women to be better, be stronger, put on a front, not talk about difficult things.
“When Solomon was in high school and a dear friend died, he was told to kind of man up, to stop crying,” Thomas said. “That he couldn’t lead if he was vulnerable and sad. He sure could. What a great way to lead. You are not weak. Being vulnerable takes strength.”
That is why when she noticed her son, who was already playing in the NFL when his sister died, was struggling during games, she approached the director of personnel and asked for help. Her son was suicidal, which is very common, but he got help and is now an advocate for mental health issues not just in the NFL but also in the community through The Defensive Line. Players often contact him asking how they can also get help for themselves, their spouses or even their children when they are in crisis.
That is the message that she wants to take to Dallas ISD parents who participate in the forum, that asking for help is a good start. And that a lot of help is available in Dallas ISD, where every high school has a licensed clinician on campus. A student is 80% more likely to receive services if he or she can do it on campus, Thomas said.
Other resources parents can use are teen crisis lines or suicide hotlines like 988, or 741 741, which can also help identify services and support groups.
“One thing that I didn’t know as a parent is the importance of breathing,” Thomas said. “Taking those deep breaths, five finger breathing, box breathing, before having a conversation with your kids is helpful because you want to be the one who is calm. Lead by example.”